Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
