um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
