at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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