My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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