I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
