Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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