I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
