K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
