....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
