In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
