Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
