Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
