2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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