Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Semen is not good for contacts.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Randomize
