My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
