i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
