Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
