i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
no you cant smoke seaweed
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
