its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
