Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
