this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Sorry my hands just texted you
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
