I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
