Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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