we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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