I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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