Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
