The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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