You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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