I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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