dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Randomize
