omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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