We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
