I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm sobbing to NWA
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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