i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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