Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
