The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
