I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You pole danced in your parka.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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