dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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