you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
