So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
