i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
