sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
