his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
