god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
