god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
