1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
youre lurking in front of me
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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