Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
