I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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