You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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