the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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