You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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