I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
