i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
