Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
